I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
...so i touched it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
