does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
that may or may not have been my penis.
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