this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
