I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
