Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
