I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
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i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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