you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
PANTIES FOUND
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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