I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
