my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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