Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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