So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Your mouth is God's brothel.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
