Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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