your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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