So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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