Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
