Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
