I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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