Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
being pregnant is like rehab
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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