dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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