I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
