the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
