did you get engaged???
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
