you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
