I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
