i already hear my dad disowning me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
