my shit smells like andre
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
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Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
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My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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