You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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