Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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