please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
