So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
