Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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