i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
