I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
