We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
