It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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