the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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