a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
