are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
