Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
