Don't you send me to vm
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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