Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
