Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
