Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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