Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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