Got a toothbrush?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
