I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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