Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
