my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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