he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
