Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
