tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
