i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
