Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
