are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
