Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
