Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
