So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
