My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
