i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
