You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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