guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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