and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
