i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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