"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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